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Total War Heaven » Forums » Rome: Total War Discussion » Terrors from the Ocean of Grass
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Topic Subject:Terrors from the Ocean of Grass
Terikel Grayhair
Imperator
(id: Terikel706)
posted 18 October 2007 07:48 EDT (US)         
Hail Warlords and Peers!

This missive is a small update to our recent Windswept Woes, and shall contain (unless we are distracted or digress) some valuable lessons we have learned and wish to share with others attempting to lead the Scythians of the Steppes to domination. It shall also serve as a vessel into which we can vent our frustration and anger at certain events.

Collections of marble barns are wonderful places to grow warriors, but awful battlefields. Our battle savvy lies not in the narrow, steep-walled stone ground between houses of marble, but upon freedom of movement under the open sky. This lesson was well-known to all, but driven home to us in the many and repeated battles over the sovereignty of a horrible little village called Thessalonica.

Here we had finally driven out the Brutish Ones in order to cease their attacks upon our proud and noble allies, the Greeklings. And how were we repaid for this open act of kindness and alliance? Why, our proud and noble allies besieged us the very next turn of the sun! So, we naturally drove them off, only to return to the marble houses to replenish our arrows and few (very few!) casualties. Then the bloody Brutish Ones attack and besiege us, while a Greekling warhost sat right next to them. Neither attacked the other, yet both took turns attacking and being decimated by us. We finally had a second force meet up with the besieged, and betwixt the twain slaughtered and impaled both foreign armies. Now only a small force returns to the town for new supplies and warriors while the rest of us roam the countryside looking for foes to slay, of which this land breeds like flies. The ravens here have mulitplied in their thousands due to all the fresh food they have been receiving.

Along with this event, it seems that every Royal House in the world has suddenly decided that the People of the Open Sky smell as if they bathe in the droppings of pigs and that our open and honest manner smacks of hostile and uncouth behavior. Such it must be, for in the single summer, all six our our remaining Proud and Noble Allies declared war upon us through the underhanded means of attacking our warhosts or besieging our marble barns, or through simply neglecting to inform us that their new allies are our bitter enemies and thus we are no longer allied. This is the epitome of stupidity, for those Royal Houses engaging us in war are weak and ignoble, while our forces range far and wide sowing destruction whence they go. We rule a land stretching from the Rising Sun to Illyria, yet tiny Are-Mean-Ya with its miserable three villages decides to contest the ownership of Hatra with us by means of force of arms. And little Pontus, pushed away from the Golden Horn by a resurgent Greekling warhost, decides that Tarsus, won by us in honorable combat from the last of the Sons of Seleucus, should belong to them. Bah! Fools all. We shall wipe them from the earth in our attempt to stamp out Stupidity and bring the Human Race to the next evolutionary step. Thus we have learned that our counterparts in this virtual world are led by idiots and fools who know not the value of diplomacy or honor.

We have employed roving armies of our famed Horseborne Archers with a warlord or two for the breaking and chasing of foreign mobs in long rides, with much success. While the horseborne roam and slaughter, the footborne plod along and besiege the foes, while the horseborne guard them from combat and let them build their toys of war in peace.

This is a tactic that won for us Bylazora and Antioch, and seems to be the way to go for a mobile people such as us. The joy of riding, coupled with the butchering of foes and feeding their flesh to the ravens whilst their blood fertilizes the soil for the growing of better grass for our mounts has the wonderful side-effect of bleeding our enemies dry, which drains their coffers in the calling of new warriors to their banners whilst it weakens their existing forces, which in turn makes it much easier for our plodding footborne to break into the burg and raise our banner above its palace.

To be brutally honest as is our way, we must confess that we knew of these lessons and many others. But it has been many barrels of ale since we have had the time to force our scribes earn an honest day's pay. And whilst knowing of a lesson is one thing, having it drilled into thee by the brutal experience of having our warriors bleed for our mistakes is quite another. We would spare thee this pain, and sound for thee the Horns of Victory.

Until the next time our barrels of ale are emptied and our amphora of wine run dry...

|||||||||||||||| A transplanted Viking, born a millennium too late. |||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Too many Awards to list in Signature, sorry lords...|||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Listed on my page for your convenience and envy.|||||||||||||||||
Somewhere over the EXCO Rainbow
Master Skald, Order of the Silver Quill, Guild of the Skalds
Champion of the Sepia Joust- Joust I, II, IV, VI, VII, VIII

[This message has been edited by Terikel706 (edited 10-18-2007 @ 09:59 AM).]

AuthorReplies:
Hussarknight
Seraph Emeritus
posted 18 October 2007 10:52 EDT (US)     1 / 9       
Be greeted, noble warlord, and please listen to what we can say to thee.

The way in which thy allies acted has been seen often before. The fools do not know who holds true power and who does not. The warlords and kings that move without orders have not the brains that thou has, and therefore stupidly attack anyone whom they see. This has lead them to defeat many times, but they have yet to learn that. My advice, noble warlord, is to destroy them utterly as soon as thou has called enough warriors to your banners, and have enough of the shiny yellow metal to pay them with.

May the horns of victory sound for thee, and may other warlords read the counsel given on their magic curtains of glass and use it to bring good order and rule to many!

          Hussarknight
Hadraf
Legionary
posted 18 October 2007 11:18 EDT (US)     2 / 9       
Hail thee, lord of the grass lands!

Have the brute spaghetti warriors, which assail thy noble warriors, yet made acquaintance with the Merry One, as I believe thou likest to name this most unfair event?
I would be curious to hear how you would counter an army that protects itself in testudo... the late Romans have this ridiculous custom of holding their shields over their heads, probably because they do not want the mighty sun above to see how ugly they are.

I will now attain to my own duties and send some elephants up to Croton. Greetings and good tidings to your horse-born warriors!

Hadraf
LloydBrown
Legionary
posted 18 October 2007 12:40 EDT (US)     3 / 9       
Yes, the AI's alliance joining and breaking is much less rational than that of Civilization. I see notices at the end of every turn that one faction allied with another and then broke the alliance the next turn. The game really has no teeth for enforcing an alliance.

It'd be nice to clean that up a bit.
General_Zavier
Legionary
posted 18 October 2007 19:25 EDT (US)     4 / 9       
My Grand and Noble Lord Terikel,

Forsooth, many enemy warhosts, not just ones controlled by computers easily meet such a definition of stupidity as the puny countries you have described above!

Me thinks that thou was very wise in your honorbound defeat of your former traitorous "allies" (if such a word can be used to described such pitiful people)

Upon reading the numerous markings scribbled by your scribes, and hearing the glorious stories of your noble kings and princes, myself and the other members of this council have been greatly impressed time and time again.

It is for this reason that we forward a suggestion that you have your scribes write a Report After the Action of your glorious conquests.

Although we enjoy reading your written accounts of glorious battle, we, like little children, enjoy beautiful carcitures that capture the action of your campaign, and are enthralled by your keen and unique loquatiousness.

Though by no means we are forcing this upon you, my people are growing extremely restless, and unfortunatly, if their pleas are not satisfied will soon cease their tribute of three hundred noble steeds a year to your glorious army. (Although I will try my best to prevent this, as my people and yours are extremely good friends, and I would not want to have to bear arms against the might of your warbands, even if my victory would be easily be assured! )

Every Your Loyal Ally and General,
Zavier of the Reindeer People

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. ~Niels Bohr
No matter how hard you try, you cannot outwit stupid people. ~Anonymous
Romano British AAR ~Defunct.
Kingdom of Albion AAR ~Finished 1/26/08.
WRE Migration/Defensive AAR ~Defunct.
Numidian Defensive AAR ~Ongoing

[This message has been edited by General_Zavier (edited 10-18-2007 @ 10:01 PM).]

Krymzon74
Legionary
posted 19 October 2007 05:16 EDT (US)     5 / 9       
Warlord Terikel,

Hail warchief! It is good to hear you have brought the Scythians to power. From what you say about those who bandy petty words in marble halls it does sound as if the world has become jelous of such power. I must admit to have some of your frustrations as well. My diplomats have worked long and hard for many years to ensure the best for my citizenry yet I too have recently arrived in such status with the world. My Brutii cut a large swath through the world, only to have "wise" men of the Senate declare us outlaws! Now the foolish Julii and Scipii do think to take the lead of the Senate and attempt to destroy all we have built. To say I was prepared for such is an understatement, and the marble of the Senate shall soon be stained with the blood of old men who no longer serve any purpose to us. This is all well and good, and to be expected in Roman politics, yet there were other events that happened at the same time which left me vexed. The Pontics, Egyptians, and Greeks all stopped fighting eachother and have arrayed themselves in an alliance against us. My former allies, who had been faithful for nigh 70 years, the Spanish decided to side with the Julii during Roman intra-mural combats rather than use the money I paid them to attack the Julii. Brittania's painted fiends prowl the northern woods. The Dacian and Thracian alliance still holds, and both of them send their warriors to attack our cities. We have been forced into a world who seeks our downfall above all else. So be it. There's enough Brutii steel for all of them.

Strength and Honor to you Warlord
SubRosa
Legionary
posted 19 October 2007 19:46 EDT (US)     6 / 9       
The ravens bring me news of thy conquests, O' Mighty Bestower of Rings. They whisper to me of great fields of rotting flesh that thee has left for their feasting. Even as the ravens gorge themselves, the spirits of the Underworld hiss from the dark places to tell me of clouds of arrows that blot out the sun, and of the pounding of hooves like as to make the earth shake beneath them. They speak to me of the men and women of the plains come to war upon them, and cast them into the dust. They speak of thee.

I raise a flask of my finest kumiss to thee, noble Lord of the Horse. Honor and Glory for thy conquests!
Terikel Grayhair
Imperator
(id: Terikel706)
posted 22 October 2007 01:55 EDT (US)     7 / 9       
Hail warlords, we thirst for ale to wash away the taste of dust arisen from hard riding to this council.

We have just arrived from the sunny shores of Sparta, where our valiant Palacus the Mighty has subdued that mighty village and raised our banners above the mountains of its fallen defenders. All of the Peloponessus sends now tribute to our glorious halls upon the Ocean of Grass, and with that tribute comes the means to raise more warhosts and slay our foes hip and thigh.

The Great Marry Us has come and gone amongst the Wearers of Bedsheets and Sandals, yet the effect upon the field of battle so far has been minimal. The fools still march into storms of our arrows that fall like sleet upon a winter's day, and during the maneuvering, always seem to end up inside a kettle which is rimmed by our horseborne archers and get skewered from the left, the right, and from behind no mater which way they turn. We have yet to see them form the Turtle of which they boast, but for which we have decided (against the wise advice of the Noble and Sagacious SubRosa) to call forth the Nobles of this land to smash their Turtles and make soup of them. As we now have more yellow metal than ever we have seen or can possibly use, the gold they demand is of no consequence.

We have also learned a new trick upon which our foes have yet to devise a reply. We send forth our warhosts in pairs, with footborne or sellswords plodding along as needed for the breaking of walls. These pairs of warhosts fleet of foot and deadly with arrows, guard each other and the footborne, who are to bring the doomed burg under our banners. In pairs, if one is attacked, the other may help. But actually, once the burg is taken, the one visits the taverns and bordellos and wineshops whilst resupplying with warriors and arrows, whilst the other roams about preventing obnoxious foes from disrupting the replenishment. The next season, the roamers resupply whilst the now-resupplied roam the countryside keeping the peace. When both warhosts are replenished, we ride for the next burg, healthy, hale, and happy.

We thank thee all for thy wise counsel and words of encouragement, which have raised our spirits higher and farther than victory after victory ever has done.

May thy swords remain eversharp.

|||||||||||||||| A transplanted Viking, born a millennium too late. |||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Too many Awards to list in Signature, sorry lords...|||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Listed on my page for your convenience and envy.|||||||||||||||||
Somewhere over the EXCO Rainbow
Master Skald, Order of the Silver Quill, Guild of the Skalds
Champion of the Sepia Joust- Joust I, II, IV, VI, VII, VIII
ammerghad
Legionary
posted 22 October 2007 17:34 EDT (US)     8 / 9       
Terikel...I commend you on your progress in horseborne conquest. As a recent defector from Roman banners, I can assure you that you have little to fear from them, at least until you reach the senate itself; they have perhaps enough cavalry to corner or run down your noble warriors, and I caution you to take great care against them. I do feel led to inquire, however--how have you fared in the dark forests you call home? Or have you turned your conquering gaze to that region at all?
Terikel Grayhair
Imperator
(id: Terikel706)
posted 23 October 2007 01:53 EDT (US)     9 / 9       
Well met, Lord Ammerghad, welcome and partake of our wine and kvass whilst we regale thee with tales of our battles with our brethren of the Dark Forests...

Now we see why the gods of war demand that we exterminate the peoples of the Windswept Plains when we undertake leading our people in a short campaign. Seldom have our victories been so complete or so easy as those when we fight against our brethren, for the Folk of the Dark Forest are brave but unarmored and afoot, which is a suicidal combination when fighting fleet-mounted archers from the Ocean of Grass. Verily, each time we have met upon the field of battle, a single hand's worth of horseborne archers (well, maybe a hand and a ahalf) has utterly decimated the varied warhosts of my former folk, and nary a one of us fed the ravens that day. Even our fierce warlords fall like wheat before the scythe of these Scythians. The cleaver-armed maidens, sworn to be virgins until they have taken a head in honorable melee, have all given birth to hale and healthy warriorlings- testament to the number of heads they have culled.

When we led the Germani, we ravaged the world and made it our own. Now, in this world leading the Peoples of the Windswept Plains, we thirst for German blood because it is so easy to come by and the ride is long. We have recently acquired access to what the fools in the West call the Eastern Sea, and shall soon begin the building of boats with which to more rapidly spread discord and death amongst the weakly-held burgs of our foes. We joyfully await adding the mobility of the seas to our fleet-footed horseborne, such that we shall recreate the Viking Age with its lightning attacks and fleet warhosts evading plodding warhosts whilst we strike at our will upon all which is left open for the taking.

One pleasant effect we have noticed leading these wild and nimble warhosts is that our warhosts are small and few in warriors, thus enticing many a foolish foe from behind his walls into battle under the Open Sky, where we slaughter them like so many cattle. Our favorite tactics involve surrounding a fool and filling him with quills from every direction, while another is to entice a warband to chase down our warlord, who awaits him at the end of a gauntlet lined with our fleet archers. Nary a warrior has made it unborken to the end of the gauntlet having received arrows from both the left and the right, whilst our brave general sips his mead and finally gallops forward to finish off the poor clods whilst the archers move on to set up the next gauntlet.

Such fun!

|||||||||||||||| A transplanted Viking, born a millennium too late. |||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Too many Awards to list in Signature, sorry lords...|||||||||||||||||
|||||||||||||||| Listed on my page for your convenience and envy.|||||||||||||||||
Somewhere over the EXCO Rainbow
Master Skald, Order of the Silver Quill, Guild of the Skalds
Champion of the Sepia Joust- Joust I, II, IV, VI, VII, VIII
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