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Total War Heaven » Forums » Rome: Total War Discussion » Funny General Speeches
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Topic Subject:Funny General Speeches
beekay
Legionary
(id: black_knight_101)
posted 29 December 2004 10:13 EDT (US)         
This is a thread for funny snippets of general speeches, eg *so level your spears, draw your bows and FIGHT!!!*
Except it is supposed to be funny.
Some of my funniest speeches:

"Today we face the Gauls - brave and worthy men in equal parts, and hairy beyond reason!"

"They may have the gift of moons, but we have lovely hats!"

"We outnumber them ten to one, so i'll be back here drinking wine, OK?" (incidently there was no shield banging after this)

Carry on with YOUR stupid speeches


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[This message has been edited by black_knight_101 (edited 12-29-2004 @ 10:14 AM).]

AuthorReplies:
blockeyking1
Legionary
posted 29 December 2004 11:36 EDT (US)     1 / 28       
"...they have the first move, i think..."
also theres a speech in the morning about not having breakfast

[This message has been edited by blockeyking1 (edited 12-31-2004 @ 05:02 AM).]

Brotherington
Legionary
posted 29 December 2004 12:54 EDT (US)     2 / 28       
do they really say that?

it still makes me laugh to hear him say ' i dont like the look of these dacians one bit ' then in a little voice 'theyre really quite intimidating'

What kind of speech is that?

beekay
Legionary
(id: black_knight_101)
posted 29 December 2004 16:31 EDT (US)     3 / 28       
^^^ hahahahaha... ahah... ehehaheheh.
heh.

Nice... "I dont' like the look of the Dacians one bit! They're really quite intimidating..."


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RyushiBlade
Legionary
posted 29 December 2004 17:36 EDT (US)     4 / 28       
Do the speeches they give depend on any of their attributes (command, morale, etc.)? I only ever use my best generals and I never get funny speeches. Just the usual, run of the mill "We're better than them, let's go cut their heads off" sort of speech.
GLORYOFSPARTA
Seraph (in absentia)
posted 29 December 2004 20:43 EDT (US)     5 / 28       

Quote:

Do the speeches they give depend on any of their attributes (command, morale, etc.)?

Yep, I think so. Because when a 23 year old general of mine was commanding his very first army on his own (he had assisted his father twice before), everything he said prior to a siege was something like "There stand the old dirty Greeks. Look at your arms and armour. Pray to the gods, and KILL THEM!".


GLORYOFSPARTA | RTWH and M2TWH Site Director, AoMH Game Information Admin, HeavenGames LLC
AoMH | RTWH | M2TWH | Ancient Greek Festival - 3rd to 4th of June in Watford, UK, 2006.
"Whoever obeys the gods, to him they particularly listen." - Homer
"GoS OWNS for being female and liking The Simpsons and Rammstein." - Crazed Ewok
beekay
Legionary
(id: black_knight_101)
posted 29 December 2004 20:47 EDT (US)     6 / 28       
Yes, it depends on command/influence, and also management if it's a siege (one guy said "and soon, I will rule this city!" *shield clapping*

It also depends on traits: the 'Dangerously Mad' trait (This man has a habit of biting people at inoppertune moments; there is the mute testimony of his guest's and slave's scars) gives me the 'WE HAVE LOVELY HATS!' speech. My general had 'Prim' as a trait (very fussy ) and I got the 'Hairy beyond reason' speech

EDIT: *New Speech* da-dada-DAAAAA!!!

Brutii general, as far as i can tell the trait that gave me this was 'Cheapskate' (every coin that leaves this man's strongbox twists his guts like the stabbing of a thousand knives) and he gave the following speech:

"Today the Dacians face us - if you are scared, think what they must feel! *shield clapping* We have the advantadge of numbers, blah blah blah, etc... Now: Don't get yourself killed out there today, I dont want to pay for any men dead by the end. I have little money as it is! (ps. i had 150000 denarii)


.


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[This message has been edited by black_knight_101 (edited 12-29-2004 @ 08:53 PM).]

Rookierookie
Banned
posted 29 December 2004 21:41 EDT (US)     7 / 28       
With the "Gloomy" trait, the general will say something about not wanting to do battle but his mother forced him before the actual speech intersting to say the least.

If your general has madness traits, it is always worth listening.

GLORYOFSPARTA
Seraph (in absentia)
posted 29 December 2004 21:44 EDT (US)     8 / 28       
"Today I think we should send as many of them as possible - to Hades."

GLORYOFSPARTA | RTWH and M2TWH Site Director, AoMH Game Information Admin, HeavenGames LLC
AoMH | RTWH | M2TWH | Ancient Greek Festival - 3rd to 4th of June in Watford, UK, 2006.
"Whoever obeys the gods, to him they particularly listen." - Homer
"GoS OWNS for being female and liking The Simpsons and Rammstein." - Crazed Ewok

[This message has been edited by GloryofSparta (edited 01-04-2005 @ 09:46 AM).]

Omar Shanks
Legionary
posted 29 December 2004 23:09 EDT (US)     9 / 28       
The funniest one I ever got came from a captain just before a little skirmish with brigands:

The enemy? A slapped arse would be prettier!
Ace Cataphract
HG Alumnus
(id: Ace_Cataphract)
posted 29 December 2004 23:21 EDT (US)     10 / 28       
In a fight against a unit of Town Watch brigands with a unit of Triarii and a general:

"Please men, no skipping with the entrails this time."


I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. ~George Carlin
beekay
Legionary
(id: black_knight_101)
posted 30 December 2004 06:50 EDT (US)     11 / 28       
"We have a great amount of spearmen, and the enemy does not have enough cavalry to counter them". How do you insert the confused smiley? i only know

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Xorhas EL Malek
Legionary
posted 30 December 2004 07:13 EDT (US)     12 / 28       
Well, this isnt a speech, but its the funniest thing I've heard a general say. I was playing as Carthage, and was attacking the Arretium, the Julii general faced mine right behind the gates, mine won and the enemy general routed. My notification was the following: "Oh, classical Roman bravery at its best... Look, their leader runs away..." Made laugh out loud for a few seconds.
beekay
Legionary
(id: black_knight_101)
posted 30 December 2004 07:57 EDT (US)     13 / 28       
^^^ you have booooooring generals

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GLORYOFSPARTA
Seraph (in absentia)
posted 30 December 2004 10:27 EDT (US)     14 / 28       

Quote:

"Oh, classical Roman bravery at its best... Look, their leader runs away..."

LOL, good one.


GLORYOFSPARTA | RTWH and M2TWH Site Director, AoMH Game Information Admin, HeavenGames LLC
AoMH | RTWH | M2TWH | Ancient Greek Festival - 3rd to 4th of June in Watford, UK, 2006.
"Whoever obeys the gods, to him they particularly listen." - Homer
"GoS OWNS for being female and liking The Simpsons and Rammstein." - Crazed Ewok
scipio_africanus
Legionary
posted 30 December 2004 13:07 EDT (US)     15 / 28       
A Seleucid general

"battle is a hard thing to face, especially before breakfast"

That got a big roar from the troops


///scipio_africanus\\\
"Scipio rules. Nelson sucks." - Jax
"I have a shrine to Scipio in my closet."- Doitzel
"posting a link with no sort of comment or explanation is not something we readily condone in OD." - GillB
The Gamers' Manifesto|Welcome to HG!|The Sanatorium
Winner of the Order of Doitzel!
RyushiBlade
Legionary
posted 30 December 2004 17:50 EDT (US)     16 / 28       
When facing a group of Dacians...

"Hello, today we are gathered here to do battle. I know, despicable, isn't it? But sometimes, you know, life is like that. You have to do something you don't want to do, just becase someone is telling you to do it. I didn't want to be here myself, but then my mother said I better make a reasonable show of it all, so here we go!" I laughed at what he said, as well as how he said it. He wasn't yelling it in a commanders voice, just talking like it was to a group of friends. Very exhasperated, heh.

"...So unless we fight like old women or IDIOTS, victory is certain!"

"I want to see blood! I want to bathe in their blood! I want to bathe in their blood for a week! Now KILL THEM ALL!"

beekay
Legionary
(id: black_knight_101)
posted 30 December 2004 20:20 EDT (US)     17 / 28       
"This isn't good."

From when it was my general vs 3 germanic spear warbands


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English Patriot
Banned
posted 30 December 2004 21:10 EDT (US)     18 / 28       
"Hey guys... I'm gonna rout. Who's with me?!"

*Army roars*

Nog64
Legionary
posted 30 December 2004 23:04 EDT (US)     19 / 28       
My favorite are the victory speeches:
"The day is *cracking*ours!"
"Victory are us!"

__/\--*~N64~*--/\__
The Tale of Sir Gusson-3%
Sole competitor and winner of the Green Map contest.
So cool!
GLORYOFSPARTA
Seraph (in absentia)
posted 31 December 2004 10:51 EDT (US)     20 / 28       
"They are dangerous, mad and hairy beyond reason."

Quote:

"Hello, today we are gathered here to do battle. I know, despicable, isn't it? But sometimes, you know, life is like that. You have to do something you don't want to do, just becase someone is telling you to do it. I didn't want to be here myself, but then my mother said I better make a reasonable show of it all, so here we go!"

This one owns.


GLORYOFSPARTA | RTWH and M2TWH Site Director, AoMH Game Information Admin, HeavenGames LLC
AoMH | RTWH | M2TWH | Ancient Greek Festival - 3rd to 4th of June in Watford, UK, 2006.
"Whoever obeys the gods, to him they particularly listen." - Homer
"GoS OWNS for being female and liking The Simpsons and Rammstein." - Crazed Ewok

[This message has been edited by GloryofSparta (edited 01-04-2005 @ 09:48 AM).]

FuryDragon
Legionary
posted 31 December 2004 12:22 EDT (US)     21 / 28       
I heard one that is funny to me but maybe not to you guys:

The enemy general has shown his true wroth in battle! NOTHING!!!

GLORYOFSPARTA
Seraph (in absentia)
posted 31 December 2004 21:41 EDT (US)     22 / 28       
Once a Scipii general was joining forces with me, all he came up with was a unit of Velites, they were all routed by a ten cavalry unit.

So, I ended up fighting the enemy and his ally by myself. My general said, with a derisive laugh "Ooh, the Scipii are such cowards! And they call themselves Romans? They would not even be worthy slaves of my family!" or something like that.


GLORYOFSPARTA | RTWH and M2TWH Site Director, AoMH Game Information Admin, HeavenGames LLC
AoMH | RTWH | M2TWH | Ancient Greek Festival - 3rd to 4th of June in Watford, UK, 2006.
"Whoever obeys the gods, to him they particularly listen." - Homer
"GoS OWNS for being female and liking The Simpsons and Rammstein." - Crazed Ewok

[This message has been edited by GloryofSparta (edited 12-31-2004 @ 09:42 PM).]

FuryDragon
Legionary
posted 31 December 2004 22:07 EDT (US)     23 / 28       
Heres one:

Today i go to battle sheilded by you brave warriors, this is not cowardiance!

RTW_GamerGuy
Legionary
posted 31 December 2004 22:46 EDT (US)     24 / 28       
This was stated by my up-and-comming (as in one star) general.

"Ok! Lets grab our weapons and stuff and kill them or something!" (Sheild roars)

And once I had a pretty messed-up general who had traits "Unafraid of battle" or something to the like and "Cowardly". I forget just what his speech was but it went something like

"Pick up the sword, spear, and bow, and let's show them our Roman courage!" (Sheild roars) "...And by the way, I'll be way back here. It is not that I am afraid to die, I am just too important to!" (Total silence)

I don't know if it was a bug in my general's traits or what, but it was pretty funny...


""Sir, they have only missle troops. What do you recommend?"
"Piece of cake, Jackitysam. Advance the cohorts! Hup!"
And then, the entire army dies beneath a withering hail of the pointiest arrows the world had ever seen."
~Siamese~
Meteora
Legionary
posted 01 January 2005 01:06 EDT (US)     25 / 28       

Quote:

And once I had a pretty messed-up general who had traits "Unafraid of battle" or something to the like and "Cowardly".


That reminds me of Medieval, where you could have generals who were devout or God-fearing atheists.

★ ★ ★ ★ ★
Faulty Toaster
Legionary
posted 01 January 2005 08:46 EDT (US)     26 / 28       
as barbarians, when you rout their general:

"their general runs away like a frightened goat! hunt him! goats make good eating!"

Callisto
Banned
posted 01 January 2005 16:40 EDT (US)     27 / 28       
I heard once when I was playing as Roman Jullii

- ''Do not be affriad of these melons, they are just parthians and there general is so fat that his picture fell off the wall''

Then the army went wild and said

- '' oooOOOO ''

Then the 2 generals had a bitch fight.

Shusky
Legionary
(id: Silver Husky)
posted 01 January 2005 18:31 EDT (US)     28 / 28       

Quote:

Today i go to battle sheilded by you brave warriors, this is not cowardiance!

Quote:

"...And by the way, I'll be way back here. It is not that I am afraid to die, I am just too important to!"

I got both with my 9-star doubtful courage general. "...this is not by any means cowardice, this is prudence. Yep. Yep. Yep."

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